Adolescence on Netflix offers a Look into the Harrowing Reality of Incel Violence and the Impact it has on the Family

Adolescence is a miniseries on Netflix follows a 13 year old boy as he is accused of killing a female classmate when she rejected him. He was being bullied by his peers at school to believe he was ugly and is an incel. The young man was radicalized without his parents having an idea what he was looking at online. He fell down a nihilistic, self-hating hole coming out "Black-Pilled".

Incels or Involuntary Celibates are young men who believe based on their lack of status, physical appearance, or personality they are unable to attain a romantic or sexual partner. The 80/20 rule is that 80% of women are attracted to the top 20% percent of men (a category they do not believe they are in nor can they work their way up to).

Being Black Pilled is believing there is no hope for yourself to find a romantic or sexual partner and to give up because fate is predetermined by looks.

The message that reasonated deeply with me, not just because of the teen, Jaime, but the ripple effect it has on the family. The family was unaware of what he was doing online or the anger he was harboring was then blamed by the public for their son's actions. They are vandilized, ostricised, and shamed during one of the most challenging periods of their lives. It is like rubbing salt into a wound.

Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. Most often the public and media is focused on the direct, clear victims of a crime: the family, friends, and peers of the victim. When we zoom out, though, there are many more victims impacted by a crime... Including the perpetrators family. Not only do they have to bare the shame and guilt of a crime they didn't commit, they have to mourn the loss of the life they thought their loved one would have had. The family dynamic will forever be changed and when it is a child, marriages are deeply impacted and many do not make it out intact.

Families, friends, and peers of the perpetrator have to find acceptance that this terrible thing really did happen and the person they love was the cause of the suffering. They have to reconcile with the fact that some things will never be the same.

People ask you: Did you really not know? How?

Then comes to guilt, fear, regret, and self blame. Did I miss something? Did I not do enough? Is this my fault? What if I would have... Imagine these thoughts weighing on you day in and day out, then you get a notification. A stranger who read a news article about your loved one has decided to send you a message:

It's your fault, you let them do this. You should kill yourself.

Now your fears are being validated by a hateful message from someone you will never meet. People share or send news stories about your loved one claiming "a source close to the family" and then misquoting everything you said.

So, you hide. You hide from the world, try to disappear into nothingness. You stay away from your friends because you don't want more questions. What if they go to use this to get paid by a reporter? What if they misquote me again?

When you leave the home you worry someone will recognize you are that person's loved one and approach you to say something hateful or even worse... Share their opinion that they condone the awful behavior your loved one engaged in.

Families Shamed: The Consequences of Crime for Relatives of Serious Offenders is one of the best books I have read. It interviews the families of extreme offenders from sex crimes to murder. This outlines the actions the families take to navigate the horrible circumstance they are left with in the wake of their loved ones actions.

At Seeking Safer Pathways we focus on the impact of the person's actions on a broad spectrum and look at the bigger picture. We look for the ripples of impact that extend beyond the immediately obvious. We want to be a support for the people closest to the at-risk or offending person. The impact of this trauma on them is important, too. We offer a judgement-free space to find acceptance in the unimaginable.

References:

Adolescence written by Jack Thorne and Stephen Graham for Netflix, 2025.

Families Shamed: The Consequences of Crime for Relatives of Serious Offenders by Rachel Condry, 2007.